Saturday, 1 October 2011

Love, Sex aur Divorce!! (A physio-psychological analysis)

This is a materialistic world, where love and sex are up for sale - if you are ready to shell out good price for it. Love, by definition - the bonding between two souls, who complement each other's weaknesses and sharpen the other's strengths - are just things of the past! The craving is still there, but limited to fulfilling cheap sexual desire of each other. The emotional bonding that typically strengthened the love and affection between two souls have given way to cocky lust and intense sexual pleasure - even if it is short-lived.
Break-up is inevitable
in some cases
Young couples, who have accepted the way of life - in meeting, mating and moving on (in their own directions), minus the emotional bonding - have created a new urban social dimension. Many among them, who even end up marrying to their so called soul-mates - end up breaking their marriage rather early. One of the main reasons being their failure in gauging marital bliss and responsibilities beyond their sexual desires. The initial years of intense sexual pleasures - pre-marital and post-marital, soon become a stressed out routine exercise, which if not compromised, lead to unnecessary turmoils, in most cases leading to divorces.

A study conducted by a leading research firm has revealed that most of the divorces take place in the following two chronological system:
1. within 5-7 years of marriage: this is the time when a child is born or is growing up; expectations are built wrt taking responsibilities for the child and the family; conflicts and disharmony sets in.
2. around 10-12 years of marriage: as individuals the partners have matured; already have a kid in the 5-6 years age group; mid-life crisis with stressed out work-life and family life, leading to loss of intimacy and connection - even if some of the couples tend to compromise with the situation, in most cases there is undoubtedly an outburst, leading to a break-up or divorce

Sex and divorce are two of the most emotionally potent subjects of our time. When combined, they create a psychological cocktail with all the portents of both ecstasy and hang-over, of pleasure and pain, of risk and failure. And, as with any strong elixir, the subliminal message reads: handle with care. 
In this article, I would try to elaborate the second point - that is the breakups in marital lives that are effected because of a poor sexual relationship and how to cope with the same.

So, let's  take a look at some of the causes that lead to a reduction of sexual intimacy of couples:
Loss of intimacy in bed after a 10-12 years of married life,
is a major cause of breakup
1. The biggest flaw that leads to uncompromising loss of sexual intimacy in the post-marital life (within 10-12 years) is a lack of work-life balance of the 30-40 year olders. A highly stressful working life, coupled with competitive urge to create more moolah, most often lead to compromising the sexual desires of the partner. The concoction becomes even more frothy when both the partners are working and are equally stressed-out with their life. The couples tend to get directionless and with the absence of proper counseling systems in a country like India - where the race to be the best and reach the helm of all affairs is quite intense - love most often ends up becoming a dhoka, an eye-wash.
2. One of the partners may voluntarily opt to dissociate from regular sexual intimacy - citing physical/physiological reasons - a common cause of worry in this age group - but most often ignored  till something awful comes up suddenly. If the other partner is not willing to understand or compromise, this certainly leads to a stale marriage. Do remember, most of the cardiac problems and other lifestyle diseases hit this specific age group of 30-40s. One would never preempt what is coming up, unless one fine day you realise that your partner is lying cold in bed! Hence, one needs to treat this phase of life with a lot of understanding - any knee-jerk reaction to one partner's abstinence from regular sexual intimacy  may cause a lot of discomfort to not only the couple but the greater family as a whole. 
3. Regular mental agonies bred from family related situations or caused by the immediate environment (neighbourhood, friends, relatives, colleagues) can impact an individual's personalilty, leading to a gradual  dissociation of the person from any physical intimacy. This is a typical social dissociation process as defined by social psychologists. Human mental processes are greatly affected by their social environment which reflects in physical relationships as well. Situations like this needs to be handled with a lot of maturity.

Hence what am I trying to establish here? Very simple. In a mature relationship, closeness, affection and sexual intimacy is a physical or physiological need. But this need is driven by certain psychological stimuli. At a  mature age, understanding these stimuli are easier than at the high-school or college levels. Kids in the age group of 16-24 end up getting into some form of physical relationship - guided by  peer pressure, physiological drives and various other environmental stimuli. In many a cases these kids end up tying the knots and soon realize how these knots stifle them to their own end. India surely needs a strong network of counselors at high schools, colleges and even at the university levels. The role of these counselors is not to dissuade these young couples from loving or tying the knots, but rather to give them a positive stroke of understanding life better. Sexual drive alone will never make one's life happier...  

Bhalobasha o Mrityu (Love and Death)

নীল আকাশ, মিষ্টি বাতাস - 
   আমি ভ্রমর হয়ে উড়ি
তোমার নয়ন-জোড়া দেখে আমি,
   পুষ্প ক্রোর ছুই.

ভাবি আমি বসে বসে -
   সবুজ ধানের খেতের ধারে
এ হেন অপ্সরা তুমি,
   কেমন তরে দিবে মোরে,
তোমার ওই হৃদয়ের মাঝে
   এক টুকরো ভালবাসার ছওয়া. 

এক বর্ষা রাতে, মহাপ্রলয়ের মাঝে
   শুনি এক আর্তনাদ
খুঁজি আমি এপাশ ওপাশ
   দেখি না আমি কাউকে - 
আবার শুনি সেই ভয়াবহ আর্তনাদ
   ভেসে আসে যেন 
তোমারি দ্বার থেকে
   ছুটে যাই আমি - সন্ধানে.

উপড়ে গেছে সেই পুরাতন বট-বৃক্ষ
   ধ্বসে গেছে কুটিরের ছাদ
রুদ্ধ-শ্বাস বেগে ধেয়ে যাই আমি
   জীর্ণ সেই আঙ্গিনা পেড়িয়ে
এক কোনে শায়িত দেখি
   সেই দৈবিক সৌন্দর্য
কিন্ত এ কি? এত রক্ত কেন?
   থরথর বক্ষে, আমি তুলে নি তোমারে
হদিস হারিয়ে ছুটে যাই বাইরে
   আরো প্রলয়, আরো আর্তনাদ চারি-পাশে.

এক পাশে, একটু পরিষ্কার জায়গা দেখি
   হালকা হাতে তোমায় মেলে ধরি
পাই না কোনো প্রাণের শ্বাস
   ওগো, একবার চেয়ে দেখো-
আমি তোমারি সেই ভ্রমর
   তোমারি প্রেমে আমি করেছি 
কতই না তপাশ্বা... কেন এখন মেলে ধর না 
   তোমার ওই নয়ন দুটি?

হে ঈশ্বর, আমার এই প্রাণখানি
   নয় কোনো অমূল্য রত্ন
যারে আমি দিতে পারি না বলিদান 
   এ হেন দৈবিক অপ্সরার নেয় -
তুমি লও মোরে, ফিরিয়া দাও তারে.
   হঠাত এক নিস্তব্দতা চারি পাশে
তবে কি আমার প্রার্থনা শুনিয়াছে সে?
   বৃষ্টি থেমেছে, বাদল সরেছে
ভানুর রশ্মি ছেয়েছে চারি পাশে - 
   কিন্ত আমার কোলে এখনো
নিস্তব্ধ, নিস্তেজ সেই দেহখানি
   এই ভ্রমরও গেছে হেরে.

এই সত্য, এই প্রকৃত
   অপেক্ষায় থাকিব আমি,
আবার কোনো এক কালে
   মিলিব তোমারি সাথে 
হয়ে ভ্রমর তোমার পদ্ম বক্ষে
   ভাসিব এক নতুন মধুর রসে...